-two nights ago i gave myself the most amaaaaazing orgasm. seriously, it rocked... it was so wonderful... i'm still thinking about it, LOL. i had to watch porn for about 30 minutes and then fuck myself in assorted ways for about 30 minutes just to get it... but it was worth the time. i only wish that there had been someone else there with me to enjoy the amazing moment, and to help clean me off after... with their tongue... (damme, i'm naughty, i know i'm naughty)...

-although i am incredibly horny these days, and not particularly picky in terms of who i direct my lust towards... i have my sights set on a new guy. i'm just not in the market for boyfriends right now... but some no-strings-attached sex would be much appreciated. anyway, this guy is not really "new" in my life, i have in fact known him for 16 years because we were in the same class in grade 1 and attended the same schools for elementary school and hiskewl. when we were about 9, we were kind of rivals, ever since he beat me in the 4th grade spelling bee. i came in 2nd but i totally should have won that shit! LOL. we were never friends, as he was a mjor jock and i was a girly-girl, and we didn't give a fuck about eachother in hiskewl. now however, it seems that we may have more in common... i mean, now i live across the street from him, our moms take aerobics together, and not only is he in teacher's college (and i'm gonna be a teacher, so we can totally bond over that), he is actually a student-teacher in my cousin's class... weird coincidences, LOL. so yes... i consulted with one of my BFF, who i have also known since grade 1, who knows this guy as well. she agreed that even though we don't really know or like him, he is "hot in a hockey-guy kinda way". this is true, he is big and tall and muscular and resembles a pro hockey/football player... and you know i have a thing for the built guys. so yes... i don't even know if he has a GF... but i think i shall be sending him a flirty facebook private message and see where it goes from there...

-i have been e-mailing back and forth with this 32-yr-old girl who i found on craigslist. that's only a little 10 year age-difference... LOL. some people would think i'm weird for doing this, but i guess i don't really give a TINKER'S CUSS! (that's what my junior-hi music teacher used to say in lieu of a "flying fuck"... good times). she seems really nice and smart and well-travelled and cultured. and she has, like, a REAL JOB and her own CONDO! that rox my sox... who knows that the fuck will happen with this, but it's all in good fun for now. i have also been communicating with a girl who is 24 and in grad skewl. the reason i'm doing this is because it is waaay too hard to meet decent girls in person in this city. i mean, there is no shortage of out lez's/bi-girls... but the majority of the ones who i have befriended in person turned out to be severely fucked in the head. i just want someone nice, and smart, and normal... and of course attractive, feminine, not too short, not too tall, not fat, not skinny, and not a smoker/druggy... is that so much to ask???

after the warmest October/november in toronto on record for several years, the true chill of winter is beginning to set in. this really depresses me because winter is just sooo long and cold and snowy here... it really sucks. last winter wasn't so bad, because by early january i had a boyfriend. so for the bulk of winter i was with my boyfriend, warm and snuggly in his bed, having hot sex. i even got to go to with him to sunny Florida for 10 days because his family owns a condo there. it was grande! but the prospect of spending this winter single depresses the shit outta me.

i still miss my ex sometimes. it's been about 6 months since the break-up. what do i miss? well, i miss his smile a lot. i miss our kisses. he had full lips and sweet breath. He even wore the same kind of lip balm as me, berry flavour Blistex, so it wouldn’t taste weird when we kissed. I think that was his idea. i miss the way he used to cook for me, how he even made his own salad dressing. It was really yummy. I miss watching him drum topless to “Dammit”, our song, while I played guitar and we eye-fucked eachother. It’s ironic that our song, the first one we ever jammed to, was about a break-up. I should have known. I miss the way we lay down on his bed, how he ran his hands all over my body, and the way he sucked my nipples, mmm... I miss how hot he got me. the way he would slide down to my crotch, pull down my panties and nuzzle his face into my pussy. i miss how cute he looked with his face between my legs. i miss his strong yet snuggly body. i miss rubbing my face against his cock when i gave him head, and how it smelled sweet (even if it was just the shower-gel he used). i miss the way he felt inside me when he was making love to me. I miss my legs wrapped around him and my hands on his back and his bum. i miss my fingers tangled in his curly hair. i miss my teeth on his hot neck and biting into his muscular shoulder. i miss the way he fucked me. all senses contradicting. the painful pleasure, the hot shivers, the empty fullness. The way he made me cry out, moaning whispery screams of words that weren’t words, to him, to G-d, to the heavens, to the universe. i felt sacred. i felt safe. i felt alive. I miss him cumming on my tits and tummy, his hot cum tickling my skin. I miss how afterwards we would curl up naked together, with him spooning me and his warmth against my back and him rubbing my tummy. I fell asleep feeling beautiful.

i'm over The David, I know this for sure… but guess i'm not fully over the relationship and what he meant to me. I can picture myself and another guy fucking (I think this might happen really soon, actually), but I can’t picture myself loving another guy the way I loved my ex. Although, I’m really aching to connect with a girl next. She doesn’t necessarily have to be my girlfriend, but she has to have emotional feelings towards me, not just sexual ones. in terms of the latter, i don't know why it's always been like that in the past. there have been lots of girls that wanted to fuck me, and did. i fall in love with girls, but no girls ever fall in love with me, only guys. this can change... can't it?

Okay, so I've got note cards for my research paper due... Today actually. At like, 1:30, when my English class starts. (Thank gods my class isn't first block.)

I only have half of them done.. That is, 25/50. Well, technically 26 but who's counting? (I am apparently.)

School starts at 7:20 and it's hard to find time to do the note cards during classes. Although possible if necessary.

This is a big grade too. (it counts as much as a test does... We don't have a lot of tests.) So it's kind of important that I get all of these done.

But stress is building and it's getting hard for me to focus again. And it takes me about an hour to do only five.

BLEHHH..

And for the record, no I did not wait until last minute to start.

I missed Monday, due to emotional stress, I might as well have not been there Tuesday, because I was just as emotionally dead as I was Monday. So I didn't get much done that day either. >_o; Leaving me with two days to do all of this.

BLEHHHHH.

So yeah. Wish me luck or something. I guess. Right now I'm taking a break so I don't explode and stuff. Maybe not the best of ideas but whatever. It's better than breaking down later on.

EDIT: My paper is on gender roles right? So I'm reading this Opposing Viewpoints book on gender roles. And I'm doing notes on feminisim, And both sides are so frigging sexist. It's disgusting. >_<;

i just found this site and was looking for a way to figure all of this out
for a long time i have thought that i have been into girls, i've made out with a few randomly, and have found myself checking out girls from time to time
i've never been with a girl or been able to strike up a conversation with anyone
i have been with guys before and had a few serious relationships so i know what that is like, and i do find myself attracted to guys sometimes, but for the last few years, ever since i was in high school (i'm in college now) i have felt that something was wrong and that i wasn't totally happy with my sexuality
i have had some issues in the past with aggressive and abusive relationships so i have a hard time opening up emotionally and making the first move with people
i just want to know how to go about making that move towards meeting girls and just seeing if that is something i am even comfortable with
i just don't know where to start, and i am worried about being called a poser because my mom has alluded to that in the past if i ever brought up being bi or lesbian to her. she once said she would disown me if i ever came out so i don't really have anyone to talk to about it

i just need some advice, some help, maybe a friend
i don't know how this works exactly but if anyone reads this just let me know

thanks <3 sweet dreams

For the first time in forevers I did something other than sit at home all day behind the computer!!! YAYS!!!! I spent it hanging out with P (the wonderful flamboyant gay guy I live with/is my best friend) and another of my good friends who I haven't hung out with in foreeeever. Twas greatness and joy and glee....other good synonyms for good. Kind of shocking how pretty my other friend looked today, but this is what I get for not seeing her in aaaaages. Though unfortuantely the hanging out with them means I'm now horribly surnburnt on my shoulders and nose. Well, not horribly, but it hurts. And will probably peel. Stupid having to get the European skin type....garr, I'd probably prettier if I got more from my Indian great-great grandmother than just my eyes >.<

But yes, today was good. Though I feel kind of bad about liking said friend as more than a friend at the moment.... considering she just got out of a relationship and stuffs....P seems to think we'd make a cute couple and everything, but, yeah I don't really see it happening. So nevermind.

On a completely unrelated note.... TABLET!!!! Zohmahfrickingawd I love the tablet me and P got just yesterday. Love love love it. If it were a human female I'd propose. Opens up soooo much more to do with art and everything. That and it's going to be super useful for Lifeway. But seriously, makes my traditional art look really shite in comparison. Kind of sad. But oh well, tablet tablet tablet tablet tablet.

Unfortunately, today made me wish I had someone as more than friend. *waily, waily, waily* Oh wells I guess.

xox

So as Ive mentioned before I've just entered my first same sex relationship and everything was going so great. My girlfriend, lets call her B is this amazing, facinating and vibrant person but when I told her that i've slept with a guy before, she was really upset, almost angry. I don't know what happened. She knows that she is the first girl I've ever been with and although we have kept things at a PG level so far I really like her and want to things to go futher, just slowly.

We were talking about taking our relationship to the next level and I was just being honest - like your supposed to. I was in a long term relationship with the guy I made love with and it was before i even knew B. I don't understand why she is upset and she won't talk to me about it. She has made love to other girls so why is that okay and not what i did? I didn't even think it would be an issue and I still can't think of a reason why it might be. I just wish she would talk to me about it but she won't. I'm trying really hard to be understanding and everything but i have no clue how to make this right.

I can't undo what i did and i don't want to say sorry for something that wasn't wrong and that i don't feel bad about.
I don't know what to do?

I just want to write. I don't quite know how to articulate my thoughts right now. All they appear as is a jumble of misplaced words. Words only I can put in order.

At this point in time I've hit a major obstacle in the road that is my life. I'm currently a junior in high school, which only makes this obstacle even larger.The one thing I want the most is the one thing I won't allow myself. I want out. I want to be rid of this damned closet that encases me. I want to stop lying to friends. I want to live my life the way it was meant to be lived in the open, not hidden like it is. Why must I keep such a large part of me so secret? I know I don't have to, but I feel like I have no choice in the matter. Why does this have to make my life harder? Can't it just make it more simple? Why now do I have to undergo this constant conflict within myself? Most of me just wants to run down the halls screaming "I'm gay! I'm gay!", but the part tthat holds me back is suffocating me. Is it possible to die inside from holding in so much? If so, I'm on my death bed. I just want to break down and cry. This ordeal is killing me slowly. I'm sick of this struggle within myself.

I need to get out now or I might just lose myself entirely.
<3 Sparkles
P.S. Becka and me are going to see how it might be possible to start a GSA in Marsh Valley High School. I'll be the gay, she'll be the straight, and we'll form an alliance. What we need now is an advisor and permission.

I wrote this last night. I just needed to get it all off of my chest. I have no clue as for what to do about the matter. I'm just so lost right now. I wish I had a guide.